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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319297">I Want The Fire Back</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat/pseuds/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat'>two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ba Sing Se, Dragons, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, It's very brief BUT there is a moment where Zuko and Toph are mlm wlw solidarity, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Symbolism, probably a bit out of character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:36:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319297</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat/pseuds/two_drama_nerds_in_a_boat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They say all the dragons died off long ago, but Zuko was still fascinated by them as a child.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Zuko/Sokka (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>ATLA Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Want The Fire Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! Here's my ATLA Big Bang (2020) fic, which also happens to be my first ever ATLA fic in general, as well as the first time I've ever participated in a bang! It was loads of fun to work on and I'm so happy I got to be a part of this. Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They say all the dragons died off long ago, but Zuko was still fascinated by them as a child. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father told him, of course, that they were dead. That his uncle had killed the last of them. And Zuko wept when he heard this, and then he stopped because his father scolded him for his weakness, and then Zuko apologized and left the room for his own chambers and cried some more, because he loved dragons, and he had just learned they were dead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His mother told him about dragons, too, but never the same way his father did. She told him that dragons were beautiful and brilliant and brave. She used to take him to the theater, and they would sit together and watch countless plays about dragons. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She whispered in his ear one day that they were the first firebenders. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hasn’t let go of the thought since. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even now, he thinks about them. The dragons. Her words. He looks down at his hands, at the sparks that dance on his fingertips. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He loves dragons. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>a dragon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shares this with them, this fire, this beautiful gift, even if he can’t quite control it yet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s in one of their warships, now, laying in a bed in his temporary chambers - not that they feel very temporary. He’s been at this for three years, now, this search for the Avatar that most of the crew have deemed a wild turtleduck chase. He focuses on his hands, watching the embers burning there grow into small flames. Azula would call him childish for watching his bending with such intensity. But Azula’s not here.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Azula used to listen to him go on and on about dragons for hours, when they were children. But then she got closer to father, and then she started to tease him. And then she started to burn him, and Zuko wasn’t an incredible firebender yet (even now he has things to work on, though he doesn’t like to admit this) and so he started to avoid her in general, when he could. He didn’t talk to anyone about the dragons. Least of all Uncle, the man who killed the last of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He leaves his cabin to go stand with Uncle on the deck. They’re at the pole, now, surrounded by glaciers and icy sea. There are the usual crewmembers milling about, grumbling about the cold, warming themselves with fire conjured through their fingertips. Zuko holds back a growl; the fire comes so easy to them. It’s so simple. They have no need to worry about lack of control, about losing the fire within them. There’s a small duel happening on the gangway between two of the younger, more hotheaded ones. Nothing big; probably just for fun, to ease the boredom they’ve all fallen into. Still, it makes Zuko twitch, makes him want to run back into his cabin. He reaches up subconsciously to touch the side of his face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks away from the duel. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Most of the crewmembers spend their time on more constructive pursuits; cleaning or tidying the ship, practicing their bending, repairing their uniforms. Sometimes they treat themselves to a card game. Zuko watches from afar, but never joins in. He knows he cannot. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They think that he’s crazy. Maybe they’re right. He’s heard the stories, after all. How could you not? Even growing up in the Fire Nation can’t stop the chatter of children on the schoolyard, or the words passed from grandparents on their deathbeds. People know the tale. Zuko knows the tale.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say that the Avatar disappeared long ago, but Zuko accepted his quest, anyway. They told him it was a fool’s journey, a wild turtleduck chase after a man who either wasn’t even alive - or perhaps had never existed at all. But still Zuko stands, right on the ship’s bow, waiting for something. Anything. And he knows that the Avatar’s been gone a hundred years, maybe more, and he knows that it’s just busywork while his father and Azula are running the empire on their own. But he’s determined to prove his worth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The beam of light is a brilliant bright color, and Zuko knows it must mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>something. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He follows </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then he </span>
  <em>
    <span>finds </span>
  </em>
  <span>the Avatar, and he’s just a little kid - probably no older than ten - and on top of that, he’s an Air Nomad, and all of this should be impossible. And then the Avatar hands himself over, of his own free will, and Zuko doesn’t even know what to think, by then. Uncle thinks he’s lost it, surely. But Zuko doesn’t listen to Uncle. Uncle doesn’t know what he’s doing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>From there, the story goes downhill. They manage to escape, all three of them and their floating cow. The Avatar (he’s just a little kid… they never said he was going to be an inexperienced little kid), the girl (a waterbender, too… there aren’t even supposed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> waterbenders, anymore, not like her, though he’s heard it could, perhaps, skip a generation) and that boy. He couldn’t bend. He could barely throw a boomerang. The Water Tribe boy, with the dark brown eyes and the cocky smile and that annoying voice and that all-too-sure-of-himself stature… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t get the Water Tribe boy out of his head. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know why. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tries not to think about it. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He pretends it doesn’t bother him, pretends to push it all to the back of his mind where he doesn’t need to worry about it so entirely. But that doesn’t work, and he loses it on deck, and the soldiers have already started gossipping to each other again. Zuko can’t hold it all in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Iroh tells him to calm down, but Iroh’s a crazy old man (or so Zuko tells himself). What does he know? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko doesn’t calm down. He can’t risk calming down, not now, not when he’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>close. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He commands they travel onward, find the Avatar while he’s still nearby. The ship moves onward through day and night, never docking, its inhabitants never resting. Zuko spends days and days on end going without sleep, trying to figure out a pattern in the Avatar’s movements, tracking him across the map. But there’s nothing. He’s not meeting with allies or making pilgrimages, or even visiting friends. Zuko thinks that he’s a master strategist - that’s the only way, isn’t it? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But the Avatar’s just a </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Or perhaps a monster in a child’s body, Zuko will tell himself, though he knows it isn’t true. That just doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko finally tracks them to the village on the island; he doesn’t remember its name. He doesn’t remember any of it, really. He steps on the shore and his vision goes fuzzy. He’s angry and frustrated and he can already feel the flames on his fingertips, the sulfur in his lungs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s a dragon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He feels trapped and caged and hurt and broken and he doesn’t want to lose, doesn’t want to disappoint his father any more than he already has. He’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>close. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’s never been this close before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He burns the village down. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Avatar gets away, and the two Water Tribe kids, too. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As he watches them escape on their flying cow, the flames envelope his vision. The village is burning around him. But all he feels is the freezing cold. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He chases and chases and chases and chases, and nothing makes sense for months. Mind you, Zuko’s world was already upside down. Now, it’s been turned inside-out and twisted and he doesn’t understand anything, not like he knows he should be able to. It’s as if the world has turned against him. Maybe it has. Maybe it always was. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle says they’re going to Ba Sing Se, and what is Zuko supposed to say to that? They’re both enemies of the throne, now, he’s pretty sure. He doesn’t really know the exact title. He hasn’t been paying much attention. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s easier than it should be, getting through customs and immigration services. They stand in the port in a long, long line, and watch a kid dressed as the Avatar get thrown into some sort of holding pen. He’s not the Avatar, of course - Zuko would know. The Avatar is shorter and thinner and doesn’t have an accent like he just came out of the swamps. There’s a bunch of Avatars there, now that he’s looking. Zuko almost laughs when he notices them. They’re poor imitations.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not long until they’re standing in front of the immigration officer. Uncle flashes something at the woman behind the desk - some sort of symbol. A crest or sigil, maybe. Whatever it is causes her eyes to widen as she rushes them through the line, onto a boat. She doesn’t say much to them after he shows her the symbol. She just takes a moment to tell Zuko, “Fuck the Firebender who gave you that scar. I hope you get revenge.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then they’re on the ship, and Zuko’s reaching up to touch his eye, trying not to think too hard about her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say that his father’s a hero, but the more Zuko learns, the less confident he becomes in the authenticity of this so-called fact. He travels to Ba Sing Se with the refugees and he sees the effects of war. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say there’s no war in Ba Sing Se, but they all know that’s a lie. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The ferry ride feels longer than it is, he’s sure. He can’t help watching his every move. Surely someone will recognize him - he knows that it’s probably just anxiety talking, eating up the back of his mind. He’s royalty, yes, Fire Nation, at that. And it should mean something. But it doesn’t. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s a mistake. He was banished, and he’s been at sea for what could be anywhere from ten hours to ten weeks, and he doubts any of these people have even heard his name. Still, his eyes are red, and his hair is jet black, and they don’t look very Earth Kingdom or Water Tribe. The Air Nomads are dead; and that leaves one nation left. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But no one stops them. No one asks about his Uncle’s odd mannerisms (he’s actually told they’re charming, by a few kind women on the boat with them), or about their haggard appearances (all of the refugees wear the same look as them - dirt over misery, hope over dirt), and they don’t even ask about the scar. He even gets a few empathetic looks, a light touch to the arm, a muttered “I’m so sorry the bastards got you, I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s never been around so much </span>
  <em>
    <span>kindness</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He feels like an imposter. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tries to avoid it, but they’re all packed in, like the ever-so-carefully prepared food on those plates at the formal dinners Zuko used to attend. There’s always someone on his left or his right, sometimes in front of him or behind him, once even underneath and above him, when the waves got really rough. The storms toss their boat around and around and around again, some days. Others it’s smooth sailing. He feels like he’s been on this boat too long, feels trapped and scared and hopeless. He and Uncle spend their days on the boat on the waves, dinners of food scraps and rotten cabbage. Zuko’s lonely. He thinks he’s always been lonely; he just never really noticed it, before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He meets Jet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And for some reason, Jet must see something in him, because he talks and talks and his friends are there, too, a little girl, face covered in a child’s rendition of war paint, and a tall, thin boy with a bow in his hands. And Jet must be saying something important, because the boy and the girl are nodding and doing that solemn-look people do when they’re listening to something important. But Zuko can’t focus on whatever Jet’s trying to tell him - Jet was his name, right? Zuko has a habit of forgetting that sort of thing. After years of seeing the same people everywhere, either in the throne room or on the boat with you, chasing after The Avatar, you lose a talent of memorizing new faces - for some reason, he catches himself staring at Jet’s lips, and he forces himself to look away. It’s hard to hide a blush, even in lighting as bad as this, but he thinks he gets away with it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He manages to make out the gist of the conversation - they’re stealing food from the ship’s captain, so that the passengers can actually eat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As they walk towards the captain’s chambers, the girl falls into step beside him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They don’t notice it,” she says, quietly. “But I do.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Zuko doesn’t even look at her. His voice is gruff as he replies. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s okay,” she sounds genuine. “I don’t mind. And they won’t mind, either. It’s more common than you think.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You were looking at Jet funny. That’s okay - lots of people do. Girls and boys and other-gendered folks.” She shrugs. “I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Okay?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Zuko repeats. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tells himself it’s true.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They do the job, the four of them, and they’re a solid team. Zuko thinks he might even want to go off with them, if things were different. If he wasn’t an enemy of the Fire Nation and an enemy of the people all at once. If he didn’t spark when he got angry, if he could just control the smoke and the burning. But he can’t. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They do the job, and then they’re in Ba Sing Se, and Zuko gets off the boat with Uncle and he says goodbye to Jet and Smellerbee and Longshot (it took him a while to learn their names, he had to put them in a song to figure out, but he got it, eventually) and he goes his own way.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle gets them a job in the tea shop, and for the first time he can remember, Zuko feels safe. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, as soon as it’s there, it shatters.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because Jet’s back in the tea shop. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> is Jet doing back in the tea shop? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re not supposed to be here, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thinks. But he doesn’t say that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But there’s something off about the way he’s looking at them, something different in his eyes, his stance. And then, before Zuko can say anything, Jet has his hands on the hilts of his swords and Zuko’s face-to-face with two silvery blades, and there’s no time to talk or cry or anything, because there never is. It’s like someone’s pulled a switch in his mind. He moves on instinct. He steals Dai Lee agent’s swords before he realizes what his hands are doing, and he’s staring Jet down, defiant. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko wins the fight. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The guards take Jet away, into the darkness. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko hands the swords back to the guard, trying to be as gentle as possible. He pretends he doesn’t see when Jet looks back at him, when he spits at his Uncle’s feet. He pretends it doesn’t hurt, because it shouldn’t hurt, really - shouldn’t he be used to this by now? The constant betrayal, the constant fear, the constant need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko’s a dragon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s been sleeping for a long time, content to just lay dormant, for a little while. But someone threatened him, and he couldn’t call upon his fire. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So he fought the battle with his claws alone, and he won. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko likes working at the tea shop, though he’d never tell Uncle that. It’s a nice change from constantly chasing, running, hiding and killing and fighting and burning. For the first time in his life, Zuko’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>making </span>
  </em>
  <span>things. He’s using his fire, yes, but he’s lighting a match to boil water. And then Uncle does something absolutely magical, and the water becomes tea, and though Zuko doesn’t really get the allure, he has to admit it feels nice to be doing something. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Their employer loves them. Says that his Uncle works magic (which is absolutely true) and that Zuko is the best server they’ve ever had at the establishment (which Zuko doesn’t believe as much, and if that one </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>true, he can’t believe how low the bar is). Zuko’s surprised how much he actually enjoys waiting tables. Some days are bad, of course, but for the most part, people treat him with respect. He can’t help but wonder if it’s the burn wound over his eye, or maybe that the scuffle with Jet not to long ago is still in circulation at the rumor mill. Maybe it’s something else entirely - Uncle’s incredible tea, perhaps. Of course, none of that makes it easy for him to deal with customers. They’re still annoying and somewhat rude and oftentimes either incredibly picky or completely illiterate in the language of tea. Some only visit once. Others, more regularly. They have this one regular, a girl around Zuko’s age, who Uncle has </span>
  <em>
    <span>one </span>
  </em>
  <span>conversation with and then will. Not. Shut up about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At first, he doesn’t get it. She’s just some customer. He doesn’t like customers. Hates them, actually. Uncle knows this - the only reason Zuko doesn’t hate this girl yet is because she’s always so polite around him. Sure, she stammers a lot, but who’s he to judge? He isn’t really the best with words… Fire Nation aristocracy aren’t known for their diplomatic skills. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’s just a customer. No one special. But the way Uncle’s talking about her, with all of his knowing glances and little smiles and that one time he actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>winks…</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then it hits him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle’s trying to set him up with a girl. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A girl. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he can’t explain why, but that just doesn’t sit well with him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, Zuko,” he says, sounding too tired even for a man of his years. “Do this for me.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Zuko doesn’t say anything. He wants to, wants to be able to voice how wrong this feels. Because it does feel wrong… or, at the very least, a bit weird. Off. Not normal, not for him. But he doesn’t say anything at all; his Uncle’s under enough stress as it is, though he tries to hide it from him. So Zuko just nods, before going upstairs to change into something a bit nicer. That’s what people do on dates, right? They change into nicer clothes? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wouldn’t know; he’s never been on one. But he’s willing to give it a try, even if his gut’s telling him it’s not right, that it won’t work and he’ll end up being a disappointment in yet another part of his life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her name’s Jin. She’s kind, and loud, and funny, and he thinks he likes her. Not in the way that she wants him to, of course. But he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does </span>
  </em>
  <span>like her, and it fills him with warmth, for just a moment. A quiet warmth. The feeling of sun-soaked earth under his feet as he sits by the pond watching the turtleducks swim. The feeling of the Fire Nation rain, always hot as it falls from the sky but never burning, a pleasant sort of childhood memory (one of the few he has). He likes being around Jin. But it won’t last. It doesn’t last. Jet didn’t last, and neither did Longshot or Smellerbee. It almost takes the warmth away - but not quite. Because Jin’s telling him some stupid joke that he laughs at even though it isn’t funny, and </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He almost feels bad for Jin. It’s not her fault he doesn’t like girls, not the way most other boys his age do. He tries to give her a good time. He’s even a little reckless, because hey, she’s not someone he could fall in love with, but she’d make a good friend, he thinks. She’s funny and kind (which, he’s started to learn, is a more admirable trait than he’s been told) and she likes to talk, which is good, because he never knows what to say. He thinks that if he were different, they would balance each other. So at the end of the night, before he brings her home, he has her close her eyes and he lights all of the lamps in the park. Just the one time. He makes sure that there’s no one around to see him, of course - he’s not stupid. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The look in her eyes has him smiling in a way he didn’t think he could ever know how to. He’s just made someone happy. He just used his fire to make something, instead of burning the world down. He hasn’t really done that before. He’s not sure what he thinks of it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The date’s over in seconds after that, like it never even happened. Zuko’s somewhat grateful. Somewhat sad. He enjoyed it, he did. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he doesn’t love her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle asks him how it went, when Zuko returns to the tea shop. Uncle looks nervous. And then he turns, sees Zuko, and a bit of the ever-present tension leaves the old man’s shoulders. Zuko sees his own reflection in the shop window; he realizes that he’s smiling, and he didn’t even know it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle asks him how it went. What she was like, how Zuko feels. Zuko doesn’t know what to say.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He settles with this:</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uncle,” he says, quietly, “I… appreciate you trying. I do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I don’t think she’s right for me.” He pauses, thinking. “But… I had fun.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then Uncle smiles, and Zuko feels that warmth in him again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So much happens. It’s all a blur, quick to come and go and come again, the world running circles around him. Something happens… Azula takes Ba Sing Se. And then he’s back with the Fire Nation for a while (if he remembers it right) and Uncle ends up in jail, and Zuko tries not to think about it as he spends a nice time at the beach with Mai, who he knows he’s supposed to love but it doesn’t feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>right </span>
  </em>
  <span>but he can’t explain why and he just wants to make his father happy so he lets her kiss him and give him advice and say that she loves him and he even says he loves her back and he does but not the way he wants to, the way she wants him to, and he doesn’t understand why he can’t make it work. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then just like that, it’s all over. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle breaks out of prison. Zuko doesn’t know how. But he knows what he has to do. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s going to offer to train the Avatar in firebending, and then the Avatar is going to kill his father, and then the world is going to be right again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>(At least, that’s how it works out in Zuko’s head. He knows it’s not that simple, he does. It’s just… oddly comforting to think about, sometimes.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tracks them down, the Avatar and his friends. He stopped thinking of them as accomplices a while ago, though he can’t quite place when. Zuko finds them one day and makes them an offer, and to his surprise, Aang actually accepts it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There are four of them now - The Avatar and the Water Tribe Girl and the Water Tribe Boy and The Earthbender. Except the Avatar is Aang, now, and the Water Tribe Girl is Katara (though she doesn’t like him calling her that; doesn’t like him talking to her at all, really), and the Water Tribe Boy is Sokka, and The Earthbender is Toph. He’s not good with names, but he’s trying to learn theirs - as soon as they stop at a town again, he’s going to sneak away to buy some flashcards. He used to do it when he still lived in the Fire Nation, when he had to memorize the names of important diplomats and advisors. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Somedays, he has no idea how they escaped him. Now that he’s travelling with them, it’s obvious that Aang has no sense of direction and no planning skills, and that even though Sokka does, none of them listen to him, and that Katara spends all of her time fighting for the rights of independent villages when they’re all supposed to be traveling or working on bigger problems, and Toph’s blind and keeps on trying to straight-up steal from people. Other days, he has no idea how </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> the one who’s still alive. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Katara’s a bloodbender. Sokka is a master of strategy and almost every style of combat in the known world. Toph can bend </span>
  <em>
    <span>metal </span>
  </em>
  <span>and knows when someone’s lying based off of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>vibrations </span>
  </em>
  <span>she feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>through her feet</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And Aang’s the fucking Avatar.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They’ve spared him, he realizes, as he tries to make the fire come to him, even though he knows his rage will scare it away. Make him lose control. If the stories are true (and they seldom are) then when the world was still ruled by dragons, they would burn great cities down in fits of rage. If this is true, Zuko finds himself even closer to them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Somehow, he knows it’s not true. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dragons were peaceful beasts. Now, they’re dead. The two overlap, he thinks. They’re connected. The dragons died because they were peaceful; they could be beaten. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The dragons taught him a lesson long ago, long before either of his parents did. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The peaceful are weak. They die. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This was the only lesson that ever made him rethink his ideas about dragons. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Only Aang would make such a pilgrimage to see the first firebenders</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Zuko thinks to himself, as he’s led through ancient temples by an overly energetic twelve-year-old. He does have to admit, it’s pretty fun. The priests are a bit disturbing, though, too uptight, too much like the nobles back home who trained their children to diminish him, calling him names and kicking him down and using their fire against him in order to earn Azula’s favor. Azula’s favor was always the more powerful of the two. But that leaves his mind as the priests call out the original firebenders, and Zuko’s world starts crashing down and healing itself simultaneously, and he doesn’t know what to do but dance with the Avatar. So they dance. They dance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say all the dragons died off long ago, but now Zuko knows this isn’t true. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There are two dragons; one’s red. One’s blue. Zuko remembers the books he read as a child, with the beautiful illustrations and stunning symbolism and alliteration that made the words sound like music when spoken out loud. He thinks that if this were a book, the dragons would represent something. But he doesn’t say that out loud; he’s not sure what the Avatar would think of it. He doesn’t want the Avatar to hate him (not anymore than he already does, at least). He keeps his mouth shut. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They dance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They come back tired and covered in soot. They smell like ashes… and a bit of hope, too. They’re both better benders because of it, for reasons neither can truly explain. They get back and the others are concerned, for the most part. But the Water Tribe girl - Katara. She’s just angry.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Water Tribe girl hates him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Or maybe she loves him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Or maybe it’s a bit of both.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko isn’t sure which, but he’s hoping it’s neither. If he had to choose, he’d want her to hate him. At least he’s used to hatred. It’s easier for him to deal with; he’s been dealing with it all his life. Love, on the other hand, is a bit harder to figure out, though he’s started to realize that he doesn’t think he could ever love a girl. Not the way she would want him to. The Water Tribe boy watches them fight (they do, constantly) and just shrugs and leans back to watch, jabbing at both of them with his words, as if hoping to spur them on just so that he and the Earthbender have something to listen to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Water Tribe boy is crazy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Well, his name is Sokka - Zuko knows that now, knows all their names, made little lists and cards to help with memorization, because he tries to be pretty thorough - but Zuko has to admit, he still thinks of him as the Water Tribe boy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But that’s not the point. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to break into the Boiling Rock. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The Boiling Rock</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko has to stop himself from saying something along the lines of, “You’re fucking crazy.” He’s really, really tempted to, but he figures it’s not the best thing to say because A) For reasons he can’t really explain, he wants to stay on Sokka’s good side so, so much and B) This is the one chance Sokka has to save his dad, and, okay, maybe it’s a dumbass thing to do, but it’s honorable. Which is more than Zuko can say for most of his own life choices. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So Zuko agrees to take him to the Boiling Rock, and before they know it they’re in a giant balloon, floating through the sky. Zuko feels like he’s in a dream. He’s all alone in the sky, literally flying, with the one person he’s completely enamored with at the moment for reasons he can’t even really understand, yet. Except dreams don’t involve this much long, boring waiting, or work, or sweating by the fire, or awkward conversations. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My first girlfriend turned into the moon,” Sokka says. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Girlfriend. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What’s Zuko supposed to say to that?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s rough, buddy.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks off the side of the ship. He’s never been good with human interaction. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Girlfriend. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he thought he had a chance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To top it all off, their balloon basically fucking crashes on the shore, and they’re stuck with no real way out, and they sneak into a prison (which Zuko thinks seems to be as far away from sneaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>out </span>
  </em>
  <span>as possible, and therefor stupid, but then again, he never said this plan was </span>
  <em>
    <span>smart</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and they pretend to be prisoners and they’re doing a pretty good job so far, as these things go. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then he meets </span>
  <em>
    <span>her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And honestly? Fuck his life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her name’s Suki, and she’s clever and strong and absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>gorgeous. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not Zuko’s cup of tea, naturally (he’s starting to finally understand, to some extent, that girls, in general are not his cup of tea) but he can tell when someone’s the type of person who others love. And Sokka loves her, it’s obvious. She loves him back, from the way she talks about him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And here’s the girlfriend, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thinks, thoughts bitter even though he knows it’s not fair. To either of them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s twice as bad when Sokka joins the mix. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve met, actually.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah. You burned down my village.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Oh. Sorry about that.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>He doesn’t know what to say; he wants to make a good impression, desperately wants to. But it seems he’s already had his chance at a first impression, and he fucked up. He wants her to like him, wants to win her approval so entirely. But he doesn’t know how. And he </span>
  <em>
    <span>loves </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sokka, and she loves him too, but the difference is that he loves her back, and that hurts a bit more. People at the Boiling Rock can tell, and that makes it worse, really. Because he knows that Sokka doesn’t feel that way, and he knows that it’s sick of him to wish, to even hope, for things to be different. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At first, it’s something he can deal with, for the most part. Because it’s kinda shitty, but it’s manageable, in a way he can’t quite explain. And then it goes down hill. That door opens, and there she is. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mai’s here. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what to say to her. “Sorry, I never loved you like that,” is probably the worst idea. “Hey, you’re dad’s a real piece of shit in the turtleduck pond,” doesn’t really work either, but it’s all he can think right now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He settles for locking her in the cell, unharmed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s the least he can do. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say that the Boiling Rock’s an inescapable prison, but he’s just proved that wrong. Him and Sokka and that girl - Suki. And Sokka’s dad (Hakoda? Zuko’s bad with names, he’ll probably ask Aang and then write it down on his list later, so that he won’t forget). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s some point after the Boiling Rock that it happens. Because how couldn’t it? Even Zuko knows that he’s not being subtle, no matter how hard he tries. He looks too frequently, blushes too often. Zones out during a conversation, staring at Sokka’s eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The good news is that it’s Toph who asks him first. Which, quite honestly, is preferable to his other options. He was scared for the longest time that it would be Katara to ask him, though now he doesn’t even know why he was ever worried about that. She loved him at one point, yes. He’s almost sure of it. But now she seems pretty set on Aang, and Aang’s keen on her, and that works out all the better for him, he supposes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So yeah. It’s Toph who brings it up. And he doesn’t lie to her, because she’s a walking lie detector. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He may be dumb, but he’s not stupid.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s one of those days when Sokka and Katara are out running errands, trying to find maps and provisions and information in the nearest town. Aang’s training on his own, practicing some firebending move that Zuko taught him a few days ago. Toph and Zuko are sitting by a fire with Appa. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So. Sokka?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko blushes, grateful once more that she cannot see his face. He spits out a “No,” though he can’t even manage to sound convincing. Not that it matters, anyway. The Beifong girl knows that he’s lying, and he knows that she knows. She can sense it with her feet, through vibrations; Aang explained it to him a few days ago. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to admit,” she sighs, “I don’t know what you see in him.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Neither do I,” Zuko mutters. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So. Boys?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“More or less.” Zuko raises an eyebrow, throwing her a look. “You?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Girls.” Toph says. She smirks. “More or less.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They sit in silence for a bit. Just existing. And then Zuko tells her what the stars look like, trying to describe them to the best of his ability, even if he isn’t good with words. And then Toph starts bending her bracelet into different shapes - a star and a spiral and a ball that she passes Zuko, who passes it back to her. Aang joins them an hour or two later. They fall asleep before Sokka and Katara return.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko goes on a trip with Katara next. It’s all fueled by a need for revenge, and honestly? Zuko respects that. He knows where she’s coming from, and he wants to help. So he tries his best to track down the man who killed her mother, and lets Katara do the rest. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They find him in a Fire Nation village, somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It’s raining. The mud splashes against Zuko’s heels as he walks. He knows that later, when they’re all sitting by the fire and he’s trying to pretend that he’s not incredibly in love with Sokka again, the mud will dry to a crust of dirt, and he’ll scrape it off as best he can. He watches Katara, her stride strong with determination and rage. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They find the man, and Katara stops the rain around them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For the first time, it hits him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Katara’s going to murder this man. Really, actually kill him. He tells himself that Katara wouldn’t do something like that. She’s angry, sure, but she’s also reasonable. And then Zuko remembers. Katara’s a healer, yes. But she’s also a bloodbender. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle told him once that healers are the best assassins, because of all the time they’ve spent studying the body. They know where to hit you to kill. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko knows he can’t tell her to just abandon this pursuit, to drop everything and leave the man alone. Not only would that be completely hypocritical (Zuko’s murdered people, after all, even if he didn’t want to, didn’t mean to, had no idea what he was doing at the time) but it would just be… he didn’t know. Insensitive? This was the man that had murdered Katara’s mother, along with hundreds (maybe even thousands) of her people. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But somehow, he does manage to talk her out of it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s like a miracle happening before him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She lets go of the rain, and the dome of water collapses around them. Zuko feels it, cold and wet on his face, and he’s grateful. He hears Katara hiss at the man to leave them alone. And then, just like that, they’re gone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a long time before he meets Azula again, but when he finds her, he realizes that how Katara felt that day with the man who killed her mother. It was so hard to hold back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s hard for him to hold back now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zuko tells himself that he’s stronger than this. He can make fire dance on his fingers, up his arms and at his feet. He can channel and deflect lighting, be struck and strike back without having to use his own power. He’s found the Avatar and fought the Avatar and taught the Avatar and joined the Avatar, and the Avatar lets Zuko call him Aang. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s danced with dragons. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>a dragon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s stronger than this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t let Azula get to him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t. He won’t. He refuses to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’s controlled him every day of his life, ever since they were kids. She stole the world from him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He sees her and he wants to scream.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before he even knows what’s happening there’s lightning coming from her hands, sharp and fast and so, so angry, concentrated at him. He remembers what Uncle said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He takes a deep breath, changes his stance, opens himself up to the world. The lightning hits him. And then, it slides off of him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then, he throws it back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He used to think that the dragons died because they were peaceful; that they willingly surrendered their lives to the weapons and will of men. That when Uncle went to meet them, they knelt before him, offering their heads to his sword. Because, Zuko thought, was that not how the peaceful lived their lives? Surrender after surrender, until an enemy was no longer merciful? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And again, he thought, the Airbenders proved this as well. Because the Fire Nation ambushed them, peaceful as they were, and they accepted their deaths with the knowledge that they were lesser beings. That is how the peaceful die; perhaps not as cowards, but weak nonetheless. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Except Aang is an Airbender, a Nomad like his massacred family. And he is alive. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And the dragons live on, too. The two that are left behind. Uncle didn’t kill them. And maybe that says something more about Uncle than it does about the dragons, though Zuko doesn’t think so.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Aang ends the war through peace. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He takes his father’s bending away. Simple as that. And then, the ruler of the mighty Fire Nation is gone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle comes to Zuko. Holds his hands. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s over,” he says to him, once night after the way. “It’s done, Zuko. You can finally breathe again.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He does. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He dances and sings and laughs and he falls in love, and for some reason, Sokka is stupid enough to love him back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There was something with me and Suki, I think,” he explains one night after the war. “But it’s over now. She found a girl, and I found you.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a simple explanation, short and concise. It’s enough for Zuko.</span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m a dragon, Uncle,” Zuko says. The sun is low in the sky, now, turning the world shades of red and orange. Zuko conjures up a little flame in the palm of his hand, just because he can; he watches the way the fire moves. He’s never been good with eye contact.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that so?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s what I told myself, when I was younger. To get through things, I think.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“To justify your actions?”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>The words sting, even though he knows they weren’t meant to. He flinches, and Uncle sees it and apologizes. Zuko just shakes his head. “To rationalize the world.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You must remember, Zuko. Dragons are not all warriors and fire and destruction. They are peaceful, graceful beings. They move on the wind, not against it. They spend most of their time watching quietly from a distance, keeping themselves safe. They do not choose the offensive approach because they do not need to; they are peaceful. They wait for the enemy to attack them, and redirect that energy. They were the first firebenders, yes. But they never burned a thing.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uncle says no more after that, and Zuko doesn’t, either. The water’s done boiling in the pot; he stands to pour it for Uncle, handing him a cup of jasmine tea. The sky is no longer red, but a calm and quiet navy. The sun has set. It is the time of the gentle night.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They say that the dragons died off long ago, but now Zuko knows that’s not true. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He has danced with dragons. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He rides a dragon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a dragon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s the Firelord. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s home.</span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Shoutout to my wonderful beta Ace, who pointed out spelling mistakes and made the fic-writing process way easier. Also a shoutout to the artists I worked with, Lex and Angel!! Thank you all so much, and thank you for reading my fic.</p>
<p>You can find Lex's art for this fic <a href="https://artbean.tumblr.com/post/633549569533362176/id-a-vibrant-digital-painting-of-zuko-from">here</a> and Angel's art <a href="https://heartsofsunlight.tumblr.com/post/633565999592095744/image-id-a-black-and-white-drawing-of-zuko-from">here</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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